Written by J.R. Becker and illustrated by Max Ramaldi, “What happens When We Die?” is a children’s book to explain death to a young child.
Many of us are comfortable with the idea that this life is the only life and, after death, we are not suddenly going to transport to a heavenly paradise. We may be fine with our molecules dispersing into other organic forms, whether blades of grass, butterfly wings, or things less charming, as we become part of the universal soup of life.
When a young child in our life experiences the death of the beloved family pet or a grandparent who has always been there to spoil him/her, we want to give comfort and solace, but how do we do that without painting mythical pictures of angels floating on clouds with harp in hand? Becker’s book helps with that.
First, there are inspiring messages for the adult from astrophysicist Neil deGrasse Tyson, actor Stephen Fry and editor Michael Shermer of Skeptic magazine. Then, the adult and child can read together a colorfully illustrated 25-page story about a little bird who accidentally crashes into a window and dies. Through this tale, the story goes on to address the meaning of life and the energy of the universe in a way that is comprehensible to the child’s developmental stage.
Our society is great at pretending that we live forever; it isn’t so good at preparing us for the reality that everything that lives eventually dies. Yet, we know that the more prepared we are in life, the more smoothly we navigate its highs and lows. It would be ideal if a book written to explain death to children could also be a vehicle to get entire families to discuss their end-of-life wishes, and to not put off another day the drafting of a living will (a healthcare directive).
I am fortunate to come from a family where end-of-life issues were discussed openly and honestly. When my parents were close to dying, I knew their wishes and did not need to wring my hands in a quandary. I did not fret over what type of casket and burial. Death of a loved one is wenching, but when the dying and those left behind are on the same page about end-of-life care and understand what will happen immediately after death, there is relief and lessening of pain and loss.
Not long after my father died, a friend’s husband lost his battle with cancer. Although he had been ill for a long time, he would not talk about his looming death. His wife, Eliza, had no idea what kind of service he might have wanted. She was clueless what he might have liked done with his favorite possessions. The grown daughter was trying to finish university, and Eliza was left on her own to make all the decisions about another’s life and death. This beautiful woman lost weight and took on terrible stress, which could have been prevented in a society that faced end-of-life fears humanely and openly.
If J.R. Becker’s colorful little book helps explain death to children and also gets families talking, it is a wonderful investment for only $11. Perhaps if our youngest generation grows up to see death as a normal process in the cycle of life, they will face terminal illness with less fear and will be able to express their wishes and avoid food tubes, ventilators, and painful treatments that they don’t desire. Their families, insurance, and the government could also be spared budget-crushing costs. The tale may not end “happy ever after,” but it also won’t end with almost interminable heartache either.
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Diane Diamond is a retired teacher. Her most recent job was at Cuesta College in San Luis Obispo, California, where she taught ESL. For several years, she ran the Business English program for The University of Lüneburg, Germany. Since retiring, she has written the novel “Poisoned! How to Ruin a Life.” Presently, sheis writing a second crime novel, “There’s Always Something.” When not at home, Diane enjoys cultural events in Los Angeles or San Francisco, or spreading her wings far afield in the world, as she describes it.
Well written book review. Thank you Mrs/Ms. Diamond. I had a father-in-law who wouldn`t even talk about what life insurance he had because of the implication of death. My mother-in-law was totally in the dark and only knew how much after he died. Fortunately for her he left her comfortable . Any book that makes discussion of death easier is a welcome addition to the world.
Although my family was open about end-of-life and cremation or burial wishes, they were not so forthcoming when it came to finances. My sister was killed while I was in my early thirties, and I was concerned about what would happen with my mother if my father died first. I was just told not to worry, but those words were of little comfort. My father did die years before my mother, and mom was, indeed, comfortably provided for, but I could have been spared years of stress had I been let-in on the financial details.
Our 56 year old son died of pancreatic cancer in March of this year. We live in the same town so he and I had several long discussions about his impending death. Several days before his death he e-mailed me to say how much he appreciated being able to quietly and peacefully discuss his coming death. Said he e-mailed it because he felt it would be too emotional for him in his wakened state. We did also discuss his finances and plans that would support his wife and two sons and they`re going to be fine.
It is tragic to lose a child. My parents lost my sister and her husband when they were 40. What a fortunate thing, however, that you were able before your son’s death to discuss issues that would affect your daughter-in-law and grandchildren. If the Good Death Society Blog hasn’t had an article about the need for all of us to have an up-to-date will or trust, is that not a theme that needs addressing?
This book is a great tool for beginning to counter the US death taboo. I know that kids can emotionally handle the topic of mortality. I’ve lived in countries in Latin America where children are intimately and meaningfully engaged in Day of the Dead ceremonies such as picnics and parties at the grave sites of deceased family members, creating shrines called “ofrendas” to honor dead loved ones and cheerfully wearing skeleton costumes and face paint while eating skull-shaped candy with their name written on it. I believe our fear of talking about death with them reflects our own anxieties rather than theirs.
Many thanks, Diane, for sharing this with us!
Not all faiths or congregations within faiths shy away from discussing death. The Anglican Church in North America, my denomination, had an eight-session adult education class, “Embracing the Journey: Finishing Life God’s Way”. Obviously, the class was from a Christian perspective. But it provided many practical resources, including books and web sites about discussing death with children; a checklist for making a residence more safe as we age; wills, health care power of attorney and living wills; selecting a good hospice organization; documents for listing your bank/credit union and brokerage accounts and how utility and property taxes are paid; passwords for online accounts; and even pages to plan your own funeral or memorial service. We used it in our church. We had a wealth of knowledge within our own parish and had an attorney, a palliative care nurse, a social worker, a physician, and a hospice chaplain as speakers, all among our own membership.
What a complete and meaningful program. I once gave a talk at two churches about the need for everyone to have a will or trust. Your church covers all issues.