Subscribing lately to a free service–The Daily Stoic, I have found much wisdom in some of the ancient views of life and living. For instance, paraphrasing the Stoic Epictetus:
When in a crisis, go to what you control. Look for the positive. See what you can do with what’s in front of you.
One recent communication provided the following under the title “8 ways to find peace”:
1. Don’t suffer imagined troubles
2. Accept your own mortality
3. Remember whose opinion matters
4. Schedule stillness in your life
5. Find the beauty in everyday life
6. Take the view from above
7. Live by a code
8. Reflect often
The suggestion that interests me as a volunteer and member of the Final Exit Network (FEN) is the second one–”Accept your own mortality.”
In a recent meeting with twenty participants via Zoom, Brian Ruder (FEN’s President and a Senior Exit Guide) and I were asked how we came to be concerned about our mortality. I responded that two events that occurred about three decades ago greatly influenced me. I experienced the early deaths of three dear friends in a period of eighteen months. One died from injuries received in a car wreck; one from a brain tumor; one from colon cancer.
Because I was involved in all of their funerals and the practical aftermaths of their deaths, I started looking for what were then called memorial societies, which I had learned about from a chapter in a book I had read in the 1970s titled “Funerals: Consumers’ Last Rights” and published by the venerable consumer organization Consumer Reports.
This search started me on several decades of volunteer work with what is now known as the Funeral Consumers Alliance, which has affiliates all over the country. The other event occurred when I was looking through the files of one of my dead friends in preparation for probating his estate.
I found a file named “Hemlock Society.” I was aware of Hemlock, but was not a member. Back then, Hemlock was viewed in the popular mind as a radical, fringe organization. In 1993, another friend, John Brand, solicited me and some others to organize a Hemlock chapter in the Austin area. I learned that Hemlock was neither radical, nor fringe, but reality-based.
That group continued an active presence in Austin until Hemlock was dissolved around 2003-4 in a series of mergers among other right-to-die groups. Within a few months, FEN grew out of the ashes of the discarded Caring Friends program to become FEN’s Exit Guide program, the program that educates and teaches people who are suffering from a variety of debilitating health conditions how they can hasten their own deaths, if they choose to do so. I joined as soon as I heard about FEN and became a volunteer about six years ago, serving in various capacities.
Another step that I found helps me accept my own mortality is to write my own obituary. It has given me some reason to look back at my life and assess what has been meaningful to me, and I hope to others. After writing about three pages and doing some editing, I found it interesting that I never mentioned my forty years practicing law.
It’s not that my professional life was not important to me and to my clients. Rather, that work did not define my life. What I did mention were my values and concerns, the volunteer work that has always been a part of my life, the people closest to me, rewarding experiences, music that brightens and informs my life, and some of the organizations with which I have been affiliated and involved. To me that tells more about me than the professional work I did.
I recommend writing one’s own obituary. It can be an illuminating experience and an opportunity for self-realization and personal growth. Even for a young person, it could lead to some interesting discoveries. And it is one less thing your survivors will have to do when you “shuffle off this mortal coil.”
That quote reminds me that its author, Shakespeare, did most of his writing during and between plagues. What a fitting reminder that life needn’t cease during this time of the coronavirus pandemic when most of us are self-isolating, which reminds me of a story that may convey some other wisdom. I first heard this story from Pete Seeger on his album, “Waist Deep in the Big Muddy and Other Love Songs.”
The King and His Wise Men
There was once a king in the olden days. He had three sons and he wanted to give them a good education. He called in his wise men; he said, “I wish you’d boil down all the world’s wisdom into one book that I’m going to give my sons and have them learn it.” So the wise men went away–took them a whole year–and they came back with a beautiful leather-bound volume, trimmed in gold. The king leafed through it. “Hmm. Very good. Yes, this is it.” He gave it to his sons and said, “Okay, learn it!”
Then he turned to the wise men, and he said, “You know, you did such a good job with that, I wonder if you couldn’t boil down all the world’s wisdom into one sentence.” Well, the wise men went away. It took them five years. They came back–their beards must have been dragging on the ground–and they said, “Your majesty, we’ve decided upon a sentence. “What is it?” says the king. “This too shall pass.”
I guess the king didn’t have anything better to do with his wise men. He said, “I wonder if you couldn’t boil down all the world’s wisdom into one word.” The poor men must have groaned. They went away. It took them ten years. When they came back they were all bent over. The king said, “Oh yes, what was that word?” He’d forgotten all about his little whim. They said, “Your majesty, the one word is: maybe.”
With respect to Covid-19, we can hope that “This too shall pass.” For sure, we can know that the response to the question “Will it end?” is “Maybe.”
In the meantime, I think the Stoics may be on to something. Maybe I will become one. Maybe I am one.
Beautiful essay, Lamar!
I agree. And thank you for sharing the “8 ways to find peace” also.
Lamar, I like that essay about the Stoics. I am age 85 and was maimed badly by two doctors in my feet. I found out later the first was going through a bitter divorce and started to take out his problems on his patients. The second did a “hit” on me because I had squealed to other doctors about the first. I have been in great pain and impairment since then. I’ve gone to the police, the state and even the FBI and no one could help me.
To try and get an Exit I’ve gone to two Swiss end of life organizations but none worked out. I did lose some money that I paid them. I even tried Final Exit but they turned me down twice. Thus, I have given up on them.
Now I suffer from great pain and impairment some of the time. I live for the other times when pain can be tolerated. I’ve gone to many doctors but they could not help me since I have bad reactions to opiates and nerve blockers. I could face amputation and / or paralysis. The problems have spread to my feet, legs, spine, arms and even my lungs. I expect to die from a breathing stoppage, a heart attack or a series of severe strokes (I’ve already had one).
I’ve simply had to learn to live with suffering. I’ve read about how 3 to 8 million Ukrainians were forced to starve to death by the Soviets from 1933 to 1935 and, of course, 6 million Jews were murdered from 1941 to 1945. They could do nothing to stop their suffering. China has suffered millions of deaths from their war with the Japanese and the Mao ordered “Great Leap Forward” later.
Here in America we murdered 15 million aborigines to seize their territory and build our own nation. The usual course of those murders was to build trenches and then push in the victims and burn them alive. We also enslaved 4 million blacks who could not be freed by attorneys, courts or legislators. It took terrorism and mass killings to partially end their suffering by 18965 which was not really completed until 1964.
Johns Hopkins did a study showing that doctor killings through negligence or intentional acts amount to 250,000 every year to be the third leading cause of death. Millions more have been maimed every year in the same manner I was maimed.
We have to learn to accept all suffering since we cannot change it. We all go through terrible suffering before we die and then we actually do die. We simply have to accept suffering as Christ did on the Cross since all of have been condemned to suffering and death at birth.
Just a brief comment. I think that anyone who is a member of FEN has accepted their mortality
You are so right Lois. Not many people can accept their mortality unless they have a health issue that is irreversible, deteriorating, and will eventually be the cause of their life’s end. I am a proud member of FEN.
The best you’ve written that I’ve read, probably because it follows what my own line of thought has been. Going on….I decided that this may be the new “common cold,” which may have, way back when, taken out the parts of the population for whom it was lethal and left only those for whom it is now the common cold. Seems like there must be a genetic component as to who doesn’t notice they have it and those who die of it. Maybe Earth is adjusting her population to a lower number. If I’m one of the ones who leaves, that’s ok with me because I can incarnate on a more peaceful planet next time.
I like the exercise of writing one’s own obituary. I’m helping a friend draft hers, which inspired me to edit my own. I continue thinking of things to include, and remove. Many thanks for the reminder & validation.
Thanks, Lamar, for this thought-provoking nudge to reflect on the the experiences that motivated my involvement with The Hemlock Society/Final Exit Network since the mid 1980s. I had a near death experience (massive heart attack at age 41) that was a profound “wake up call.” It made me deeply aware of my own mortality and gave me an ongoing sense of what Carlos Castenada wrote, “Death is the only wise advisor that we have. “
You had a near death experience in the sense that you almost died, or you had what is known as an NDE, a highly spiritual experience that radically and permanently changes the person who had it?
When I worked as a hospital and hospice chaplain, I routinely suggested that my patients write their own obituary and also plan every detail of their own funeral, including assigning a back-up person for every role because it’s always possible that the primary person dies before you do. Your family members will be grateful. Even people who were initially angry at the suggestion eventually thanked me for it.
I’m fascinated by this. I don’t “do” funerals because they seem to be for the living, and well, the person is dead so why? I don’t want one. I also can’t see the point of an obituary either….those who know me know who I was, and those who don’t, don’t really need to. I suppose it has a use in letting the general public know (if they wanted to) but generally what they really do want to know (what did s/he die of?) is never in the obituary anyway. Never understood either one.
Obituaries are important because they show that the deceased person *mattered*. He or she was born someplace. He or she (usually) finished high school someplace. About 35% of the time she or he completed at least a 4-year college degree. He or she was part of the paid workforce and/or raised a family. She or he may have been a part of a faith community. She or he had hobbies or interests and could have been a volunteer in the community. She or he may may have a surviving spouse or partner, children, grandchildren, great-grandchildren, siblings, and nieces or nephews. In case of a young, untimely death, the deceased parents or grandparents may still be alive.
Obituaries often indicate where the deceased’s funeral or memorial service will be held. They may tell what was most important to the deceased if they list where she or he wants memorial gifts in her or his name to be sent. It *is* a good idea to write not only your own, but that of a spouse or partner in advance.
These days obituaries are not inexpensive. However, I’ve decided, no matter what the cost, I will honor my husband (who is likely to predecease me; but who knows, right?) by publishing a long obituary in three newpapers: one in the small city where he grew up, one in the city where he attended graduate school and we met and married, and one in the metro area where we have lived since our marriage in 1986. I will request three places for memorial gifts: our church, Special Olympics (he had a cousin with Down Syndrome who participated in Special Olympics for many years), and the Association for Frontotemporal Degeneration, the illness from which complications will likely cause his death well before his expected life span.
I think it’s a different thing that you want to honor your husband, and to show that he mattered, from my not caring whether I mattered or not. I’m not very focused on my trip to Earth and much more focused on just getting back to where I came from, musing on what I learned, and moving on. Very different point of view, and yours is equally valid.