The Hidden Gifts of Fear and Anger

On a scale of 1 to 10, how much fear do you associate with hearing the following three statements from a doctor?

1. You have multiple sclerosis. It’s not terminal, but you will eventually be confined to a wheelchair.
2. You are showing signs of early-stage dementia.
3. You have late-stage cancer with perhaps six months to get your affairs in order.

Even if you had the same level of fear for all three questions, the idea of rating your fear on a scale probably didn’t surprise you. Fear is not an on or off emotion, rather it’s a spectrum. It’s even in our language when we say we feel “a little” or “very” afraid. The highest end of that spectrum is uncontrolled fear often described as terror or panic. Perhaps the most descriptive word is fearful, as in full of fear.

Anger is also a spectrum and it’s directly proportional to the spectrum of fear. An emotionally healthy person uses controlled fear to evaluate a situation and determine the level of danger, and then uses the proportional level of anger in order to be safe. For example, if someone represents a mild threat to your safety, you will likely experience a controlled level of fear that could be described as feeling cautious. The situation could be as subtle as being encouraged to do something you don’t want to do, and a simple but firm “no” may suffice. It may not feel like anger, but it’s the same kind of energy, just on the low end of the spectrum.

If the threat is more significant, the fear may be experienced as feeling nervous or anxious and you will respond more forcefully. If you’re alone or in unfamiliar surroundings, the hair on the back of your neck will stand up and your sense of hearing and sight will become more acute. A higher level of anger is needed in order to feel safe, so you may find yourself walking faster and no longer hungry, even if you were tired and famished just moments ago. If you’re carrying something like an umbrella, your grip will become noticeably stronger in case you need a weapon. The greater the fear, the greater the anger. The highest levels of anger are typically expressed as fury or rage.

In stress management terms, the above physiological changes are due to 132 chemicals in your body being reordered in response to a stressor. The blood is redirected from your internal organs to your extremities in preparation for possible fight or flight. If the stressor is a traumatic event, that chemical change is labeled post-traumatic stress, and it’s actually a good thing as long as it’s temporary. If the threat dissipates, the chemicals will go back to their natural state, which usually takes 24-48 hours after a traumatic event. If another traumatic event happens in that time frame, the chemicals aren’t allowed to go back to their original order, resulting in post-traumatic stress disorder or PTSD.

Those chemical changes create increased vigor and a greater sense of vigilance. Responding with appropriate expressions of anger allow us to create boundaries that protect ourselves and others. The positive aspects of fear and anger are hidden gifts, according to social scientist Karla McLaren.

As McLaren notes in her book, The Language of Emotions, fear is accompanied by this internal question: What action must be taken? Ignoring or repressing that question will likely lead to constant worries or anxieties that decrease your focus and clarity. You can control the fear by claiming it as your ability to hyper-focus and discern what is dangerous. By trusting your intuition, you can act consciously and intentionally.

Anger is accompanied by another internal question: What must be protected or restored? Ignoring or repressing that question can lead to enmeshment, apathy, and depression. Conversely, responding to the perceived threat with a disproportionate level of anger (that is, overreacting) can lead to cycling rage that creates unreasonable boundaries, hatred, and prejudice, often resulting in isolation or harming others who are not part of the threat. The healthy response is to claim the gift of anger by channeling its intensity into creating appropriate boundaries, protecting you and your relationships.

Let’s go back to the questions at the beginning of this post. Being diagnosed with a crippling or life-threatening disease will trigger a certain amount of fear. How you respond to that fear will depend on several factors, including your overall resilience, the balance of chemicals in your body at the time, and whether or not you have a good support system.

It is not uncommon for someone receiving multiple medical diagnoses to show symptoms of PTSD. The trauma of the medical diagnoses can be compounded by the trauma of betrayal, such as an adult child not honoring a parent’s advance directive. As with a combat soldier under repeated attacks, a first responder called to consecutive emergencies, or a domestic abuse victim unable to escape the perpetrator, the chemicals simply don’t have time to reset. The new normal becomes a constant state of fear.

If I’m diagnosed with multiple sclerosis, late-stage cancer, or early-stage dementia, it would be reasonable to fear the progression of the disease and everything that comes with it. If I think a family member might impose extraordinary measures that keep my body alive against my will, I might have to use the energy of controlled anger to give a friend or even a stranger my power of attorney in order to ensure that my end-of-life wishes are honored. If my loved ones or caregivers complain that I’m angry, they may be right. The hidden gifts of fear and anger will help me to firmly enforce my boundaries and claim my right to a death with dignity.