(At 61, the author [now 66] walked away from a successful corporate career and became a very active volunteer hospice doula, sitting with people in their final moments. He credits meditation, secular Buddhist psychology, and heightened consciousness of impermanence with his evolution. In his spare time, he creates art in public places, not always with permission. – Jay Niver, editor)
Hello friends of Final Exit Network. I thought I’d share a story about why I made an extra donation to FEN this month. I did so in memory of a fine man, a friend, I’ll call him “Mark.” Let me give you a little background before telling our story.
I have been a volunteer hospice doula at a large, very well run organization. I have been with many people at the moment of death, and countless people in the weeks before their death. As comfortable as this hospice makes the dying process, I sure as hell don’t want to die the way my patients do. (But that’s another story.)
I also happen to be a meditator, and I am friends with a meditation teacher of some renown. That teacher was contacted by Mark, who wanted to learn how to meditate because he heard that it might help him cope with his recent diagnosis of stage 4 lung cancer. My friend asked me if I would help.
Mark was 64, two years younger than I. He was European born, and at time of our meeting was a fairly prominent figure in international affairs. I found some videos of him talking about his area of expertise, and I instantly liked him. So, I reached out. I told him he was going to get what he paid for, as my services would be free of charge.
Like me, he was a pragmatist. We both rejected religious dogma, and any other type of speculative “woo.” Yet we both understood there is an ineffable, mysterious, deeper self.
Being on the same wavelength, we became instant friends. We talked and meditated at least weekly for about four months. My wife and I are in Baltimore. He and his lovely wife live over an hour away, but we visited each other’s homes and had meals together on a few occasions. They have three wonderful adult children that I had the pleasure of meeting.
Mark and I were so alike in our thinking that I knew he must be entertaining ideas of self-deliverance. But I didn’t feel it was my place to bring up the subject directly. So, in one of our Zoom talks I said, “You know Mark, you can talk to me about anything.” He said there was something on his mind, but we’d talk another time.
A few days later, I floated, “You know Mark, you can talk to me about anything” – and he jumped on the opportunity, asking me how he could avoid a long, painful death. I reviewed his options, enumerating: hospice, VSED (voluntarily stopping eating and drinking), changing residency to a state where MAiD is legal, or taking one last vacation to Switzerland. And then I told him what I knew he really wanted to know. I told him about Final Exit Network. I explained what I knew about nitrogen and the process. He sighed with relief, and immediately said that was what he wanted. (This was at the beginning of my fourth month with him.)
Subsequently I called FEN, and received a call back from a very kind soul. I told her the situation, and she later talked with Mark.
Mark was enormously grateful to me, to her, and to FEN for this option. He told me that a huge weight had been lifted. He purchased the necessary items. And most importantly, his family was on board with the plan.
Unfortunately Mark overestimated the time he had left. And the doctors constantly pumped him with optimism and denial. The chemo was brutal enough to endure, but he suddenly became very sick and in pain, and was taken to the hospital. They discovered that his cancer had metastasized to his brain and spine. His wife told me he died three days later, quietly in his sleep.
It’s not for us to judge what would have been the “best” outcome for Mark and his family. What needs to be noted was the peace of mind he gained, knowing that he had the option of ending his life at a time of his choosing; thus avoiding months of painful deterioration – and its effect on his family.
Thank you FEN, for the compassionate care you provide, and your defense of our most precious individual right.
Thanks so much, Craig, for writing this post and most of all for being such a wonderful friend to Mark and his family. All of us in the Right to Die movement have witnessed the great relief that comes to a very ill person when he/she learns, first of all, that there are options to choose from, and then, second, how to make those choices and to help loved ones learn to support them. While Mark didn’t have the time to carry out his plan, just having your information/support and that of his family must have been a huge relief and comfort for him. I am glad his end was relatively quick and peaceful. You gave him a priceless gift. Thank you, Craig. Ann Mandelstamm
Craig, Many thanks for your contributions (financial & moral)! Both enable us volunteers at Final Exit Network do our work.
I don’t know about the reference to “nitrogen,” but I would love to know. Could someone elaborate?
Nitrogen now is typically the inert gas of choice for use in peaceful self-deliverance. It can be easily purchased and is not extremely expensive. Helium used to be used, but was not always available in pure form. “Party balloon” kits could be insufficient. – Jay Niver, editor
Jay is absolutely right! Helium packaged in pink tanks by Worthington Co. have enough air mixed with the helium that the final result could be that the patient becomes brain dead. Forever. Big tanks of helium (for welding etc.) are available but expensive. Nitrogen is a good solution to the problem. I have even used it to painlessly “put down” fairly large farm animals.