My Brother’s Keeper – Part Two

Get Your Affairs In Order

In “My Brother’s Keeper – Part One,” I described the stressful events involved with my brother dying without an advance healthcare directive or medical POA. The nightmare continues because Wayne also did not have a will. Just as his fiancé, Jean, had no authority regarding his medical treatment, she has no legal say in settling his affairs. Wayne would not have wanted her to be excluded if he’d known he was about to die. On the contrary, I’m certain he wanted her to be the deciding voice regarding his healthcare as well as what to do with his personal items after his death.

As his next of kin and with Jean’s help, I began going through Wayne’s paperwork. I went to his bank to start the process of gaining access to his accounts to pay any outstanding bills. I knew his accounts would have to stay open for at least 30 days in order for pending transactions to clear, and I knew I would need his death certificate to do anything with the bank accounts.

A bank manager advised hiring an attorney, partly because Wayne had both business and personal accounts and no beneficiaries named on either account. As it turned out, we had to wait 30 days anyway because it took that long to get the death certificate from the coroner, who had gone on vacation shortly after Wayne passed.

The attorney filed the appropriate documents for the probate court to name me as executor of Wayne’s estate. My two remaining siblings had to sign documents agreeing with me serving in that role. The court set a hearing date six weeks away in order to give sufficient public notice and allow objections. It felt like everything with Wayne’s affairs just came to a screeching halt. After the flurry of activity in Wayne’s illness, death, and then preparing for and leading his memorial service, everything was suddenly on hold for six weeks.

When I first talked with the attorney, he said the probate process takes four months. I thought he meant four months from the time he filed the paperwork. The hearing was finally held on March 21 and I was named “personal representative” for Wayne’s estate. I received electronic versions of the court documents the next day and learned that creditors have four months from the date of the hearing to file any claims. Any hope of getting final closure in a few weeks vanished.

It took another two weeks to get the court-certified, printed document needed by the bank. Armed with that document and the death certificate, I went to the bank to finally get access to Wayne’s accounts so I could pay the remaining bills.

It turned out that I still could not actually use his accounts to pay any bills. Rather, I had to close those accounts and deposit the funds into a new “estate” account that I could use for paying any remaining debts. The new account required a new EIN (employer identification number) from the IRS, and, according to the IRS website, any online payment options would not be available for two weeks. I could finally pay some bills, but I had to use the paper checks provided by the bank. It’s not a big deal, but I’ve been paying bills online for years so using paper checks felt like a step backwards.

The process feels like it’s taking forever, and it could have all been avoided if Wayne had just named beneficiaries on his accounts and deeded the titles on his assets.

The person most affected by Wayne not having a will is Jean. Not only has her life been upended by his passing but she cannot legally be involved in paying any remaining bills and closing his accounts. She couldn’t even distribute his personal belongings the way she knew he wanted. The one account they held jointly was for their cell phone service, but she can’t remove his name and number because we may need it for the two-step verification that has become a default for many online accounts. She is being deprived of the opportunity to get closure.

Do It For Them, Not For You

As a chaplain, I routinely asked all of my patients if their “affairs are in order,” even if they were only in the hospital for a routine medical procedure. It’s much easier to have that conversation when emotions are not running high, which invariably happens in a crisis such as a terminal illness. I even advised my patients to write their own obituary and plan every detail of their own funeral or memorial service. That advice was typically met with surprise, but I was often thanked for it later.

If you find it difficult to have those conversations, you could say something like, “I have something serious to discuss and I’m afraid you might get angry.” That approach is almost guaranteed to work, as long as you don’t blame someone for not already having those documents completed (such blame might indeed make them angry). If you would like help preparing an advance health care directive, contact Final Exit Network’s surrogate consultant. Your directive should be updated every few years or whenever you have a change in your health.

If you don’t think you have enough assets to warrant a will, get one anyway, or at least make a list of items you want certain people to have. Sign and date the list in front of a notary to make it legal. I have worked with many families after a loved one dies, and even the most reasonable people can become unreasonable when grieving. Unless you have no heirs and no friends, someone somewhere will argue that they should have a particular item that you might have promised to someone else.

One reason Wayne didn’t have a will was that he didn’t think he had enough assets to need one. He had no idea that not having a will would cause so many problems. Having a will does not necessarily prevent probate court, but it will definitely make the process easier. Your will should be updated whenever your health changes or when anyone in your family dies, is born, gets married, or gets divorced.

One way to avoid having certain assets go through probate is to designate someone for Transfer On Death deeds (for assets with titles) or Payable On Death beneficiaries (for financial accounts). Being listed as a co-signer on a bank account is not enough. You could avoid probate by making someone a co-owner, but then you risk them spending your money without your permission.

Final Exit Network partners with Death With Dignity, which offers a Life File checklist that can help guide you and your family in getting your affairs in order.

I want to be clear that I’m not angry with my brother. Most people do not have a will or an advance health care directive. Very few people write their own obituary, and even fewer plan their own funerals. That’s one of the reasons I’m a FEN speaker. Wayne attended one of my FEN presentations, so I know he was aware of the importance of such preparations. But I never asked him about it directly, and there were obvious clues that he was likely in denial about his own mortality. Our mother died in 2019 and he was in denial about her failing health until the very end. Even as recently as four days before he died, he supposedly told the doctor he wasn’t “ready to have that conversation.”

I’m a professional counselor with training in end-of-life issues. Part of being a hospital and hospice chaplain is engaging in difficult conversations. I have no excuse for not doing so with my brother.

I consider it a privilege to be settling his affairs, and the hospital events might not have turned out differently even with an advance healthcare directive and medical POA. I just wish I had pushed those discussions with him when he was alive.

“My brother’s keeper” may be a catchy title, but it implies a level of control or ownership over him. I don’t wish I had done a better job of being my brother’s keeper. I do wish I had done a better job of being my brother’s brother.