(The author is certified by the National Academy of Certified Care Management. She has provided services for older adults and family caregivers over a span of 35 years in public, nonprofit, and private settings. She is recently retired and lives with her husband, Bob, in Newark, Delaware. Her advice on end-of-life planning is not new or unique, but is always vitally relevant to everyone. – Jay Niver, editor)
Experiencing the loss of a loved one is never easy. As an Aging Life Care Manager, I often participated in the care of others who were nearing the end of their lives. Most times, our clients have the love and comfort of family surrounding them. For some, there are just a few good, close friends. And for a small number of clients, there is only the caring support of a professional.
Regardless of the circumstances, we strive to make these final days comfortable and dignified for the dying individual, their loved ones, and those who care for them.
We avoid the “D” word, death, as if talking about it will somehow make it happen that much sooner. Planning for one’s final days – and those that come after – isn’t morbid. It’s a smart move for anyone determined to die on their own terms. And it is one of the greatest gifts a person can leave to their family and friends.
What can you do to make sure you plan properly? Here are some important steps you can take.
- Begin to plan while you’re healthy.
Illness or injury can occur at any time and at any age. Speak with an attorney to draw up Advance Directives for healthcare and Powers of Attorney. These legal documents ensure your wishes will be followed and that people you trust will make decisions on your behalf if you’re unable to speak for yourself. In most states, you can prepare these important documents without an attorney, but be sure to follow your state’s guidelines.
- Start the conversation with those nearest to you.
Talk about your preferences with individuals most likely to be involved in your end-of-life care. The Five Wishes document is a great tool to begin these conversations and to make your wishes known. (Samples can be downloaded free.) Not sure how to approach the subject with loved ones? See the list of conversation starters that follow this text.
- Make a list of important documents, account passwords, and people to contact.
Insurance papers, brokerage accounts, safety deposit boxes, online accounts and their associated usernames and passwords are vital for your Power of Attorney and eventually, your estate executor. Update the list annually and make sure someone knows where it is kept. (The Hope Coalition offers a great checklist for organizing these important papers.)
Not long ago, one of our clients, Joyce, passed away. She had no family, but she had several good, close friends. Joyce was smart. She designated Powers of Attorney to people she trusted and made her end-of-life choices known to them, long before dementia robbed her of the ability to make decisions for herself. As a result, she died peacefully, and her friends were able to participate in her care, arrange her cremation, and prepare a memorial service with confidence, knowing this was what she wanted.
I encourage you to follow Joyce’s example. Talk about and prepare for your death before it’s too late. Do it for yourself, but most importantly, do it for those you love.
Don’t know how to start an end-of-life conversation?
Here are some suggestions from The Conversation Project. The discussion should begin while in good health, but it’s important to start it at any time. It may take more than one try, so be prepared to bring up the subject again.
- “I need your help with something.”
- “Remember how ________ died? Do you think it was a ‘good’ death or a hard death? How will yours be different?”
- “I was thinking about what happened to _________, and it made me realize…”
- “I need to think about the future. Will you help me?
