“A Time To Love And A Time To Die” . . . Ecclesiastes 3:2

(Ron Kokish is Chairman of the Roaring Fork Valley Senior Matters  Board of Directors in Carbondale, Colorado. He is a lifetime member of Final Exit Network and a strong advocate of end-of-life freedom of choice. This article, used with permission, was previously published in The Sopris Sun, Carbondale, Colorado, September 21, 2022 under the title, “Whose Life Is It Anyway? – Third and Final Part”)

At 85, my father was failing badly enough for his doctor to insist he stop driving. A few months later I casually asked how he was feeling. “Fine, physically,” he replied. “But life is hell when you don’t have a goal.” Dad deteriorated gradually and steadily, becoming increasingly confused, incontinent, and often unaware of whether others were present. When he fell after his 89^th birthday and my mother couldn’t help him to his feet, she called 911. He was hospitalized, and I flew to New York to help her plan. We decided that long-term nursing care was the only viable option. Mom couldn’t bring herself to tell him, so I did. He replied with a single word I’ll never forget. “Finished!” The next day, when I told Dad I had to return to California he began sobbing. When a nurse asked why he was crying, he said, “Because my son is leaving.” Arriving home, I asked Mom what happened after I left. She told me that less than five minutes later, Dad hadn’t remembered I was there. We buried him three months later. He was never diagnosed with an illness. He just got old. His spirit died the day he stopped driving. His body waited four more years.

Six months after Dad’s body died, my mother was hospitalized for an obstructed bowel. Excepting medical appointments and essential neighborhood shopping, she hadn’t left her apartment since his funeral. She refused counseling. Surgeons cleared her bowel. She rejected assisted living. When I asked, “Do you want to continue living?” she said, “Yes!” “Why,” I asked? “What are you living for?” She thought for a few moments and said, “To have lunch? Watch television?” Apparently, her spirit, which had never been adventurous or ambitious, wasn’t dead yet. We arranged in-home care. Mom ate lunch and watched television for another six years.

For over four decades, Adrienne Germaine advocated passionately for economic, sexual, and reproductive rights for women across the globe. She lived publicly in many high-profile roles, and often spoke about her determination to not outlive the pleasures of life. On May 19^th, at age 75, she actualized her determination. There is no public information about the means she employed but she left a one-page letter elucidating her decision. “My life has been rich, satisfying and, I’ve concluded, complete . . . I decided that my last brave statement and bold act would be to end my life at a high point of satisfaction and joy.” Adrienne was not inclined to wait for the hell of life without goals, nor would eating lunch and watching television lend sufficient meaning. But Adrienne told almost no one about her specific plan and, caught off guard, many of her friends could not understand or respect her choice. Her obituary called it “tragic.” Was it? Maybe.

Adrienne’s death was certainly tragic for those who lost her companionship, her leadership, the benefit of her wisdom, and perhaps worst of all, the opportunity to tell her, one final time, what she meant to them. For Adrienne though, there was nothing tragic about it. It was her life. By all accounts, she lived it her way and she ended it in that spirit. She wanted to go out on a high note, and from her point of view, she did. But for her many friends, that note was exceedingly sour.

The right-to-die community calls what Adrienne did is called “life completion.” Others have done it, some quite publicly and usually, with support from loved ones. But I know of no one that was as vital, as capable, as healthy as Adrienne was. Maybe she would have preferred surrounding herself with friends as she died. Maybe she wanted to share an intimate farewell with each friend individually. But could she? Even in the right-to-eie community, some would have been horrified, many would likely have tried dissuading her, and a few might even have intervened with legal action. Having made her private decision, Adrienne was apparently reluctant to justify it to others. Should we blame her?  Maybe.

At 81, I feel as fulfilled as Adrienne did and life completion does seem attractive. And, like Adrianne, I feel I have the right to end my life when and as I choose. But having a right is one thing; using it wisely and generously is another. Apparently, unlike Adrianne, I believe that much of my life belongs to my community. When I no longer have a goal, when what’s left to me is lunch and television, I hope my community will support me if I decide it’s time to leave. But I don’t think they would understand me leaving while I have much left to give and truthfully, neither would I.

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Final Exit Network (FEN) is a network of dedicated professionals and caring, trained volunteers
who support mentally competent adults as they navigate their end-of-life journey.
Established in 2004, FEN seeks to educate qualified individuals in practical,
peaceful ways to end their lives, offer a compassionate bedside presence and defend
a person’s right to choose. For more information, go to www.finalexitnetwork.org.

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