(Gary Wederspahn is a Final Exit Network board member and co-editor of The Good Death Society Blog. He served as Peace Corps Director in Guatemala, Costa Rica and Ecuador, and is the author of “Intercultural Services: A Worldwide Guide and Sourcebook” and many articles on cross-cultural communications and relations. He has traveled in over 20 countries during a career focused on human and civil rights.)
“Death is indeed a fearful piece of brutality.” — Carl Jung
Fear of dying is a pervasive cultural assumption among Americans and is generally accepted as normal and inevitable. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, in her influential 1969 book, On Death and Dying noted that “death in itself is associated with a bad act, a frightening happening….” This viewpoint is reinforced by social psychologist, Dr. Richard Kalish, in his study of attitudes toward death:
“Death is blasphemous and pornographic. We react to it and its symbols in the same way that we react to pornography. We avoid it. We deny it exists. We avert our eyes from its presence. We protect little children from observing it and dodge their questions about it. We speak of it only in whispers. We consider it horrible, ugly, and grotesque.”
Considering such negative messages, it’s not surprising that Americans tend to be greatly afraid of dying. Having lived and traveled in countries where this is not the norm, I doubt that it is hard-wired into human beings. In our culture, death anxiety seems to be based on public opinion surveys and psychological concepts such as Terror Management Theory, which asserts that fear of personal annihilation is universal, and is buffered by denial, ego defenses, and beliefs in immortality. In other words, the anxiety is due to what people imagine or assume it would be like to face their own deaths.
However, virtually no rigorous research has been focused on people who are actually dying. But there is one study by psychologists at the University of North Carolina of terminal patients suffering from cancer and ALS who wrote blogs about their experience. See: https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/full/10.1177/0956797617701186.
To be included in the study, the bloggers had to have at least 10 posts over at least 3 months, and the author had to have died in the course of writing the blog. For comparison, the researchers asked a group of online participants to imagine that they had been diagnosed with terminal cancer and to write a blog post, keeping in mind that they had only a few months to live. The study is based on analysis of 2,616 blog posts by 30 people during the last few months of their life.
The researchers analyzed the actual and imagined blog posts for words that described negative and positive emotions, such as fear, terror, anxiety, happiness, and love. The results revealed that blog posts from individuals who were actually terminally ill included considerably more positive emotion words and fewer negative emotion words than those written by participants who pictured themselves dying. The sample size of this study was small and broader research is needed. However, there is reason to believe that death anxiety is overstated.
”When we imagine our emotions as we approach death, we think mostly of sadness and terror. But it turns out, dying is less sad and terrifying—and happier—than you think.” said researcher Kurt Gray. I find this a glimmer of hope that we all have the emotional capacity to have a good death with less dread than we likely expect. We should work to help make that happen.
Final Exit Network (FEN) consists of dedicated professionals and caring, trained volunteers
who support mentally competent adults as they navigate their end-of-life journey.
Established in 2004, FEN educates qualified individuals in practical,
peaceful ways to end their lives, offers a compassionate bedside presence, and defends
their right to choose. For more information, go to www.finalexitnetwork.org.
Payments and donations are tax deductible to the full extent allowed by law.
Final Exit Network is a 501(c)3 nonprofit organization.
Yes, death anxiety is overstated in the United States. Other cultures do seem to manage it much more naturally. I lived in Costa Rica for 18 years and was struck by the loving and matter-of-fact attitude toward death and dying, even amidst the grief. The dead were laid out at home for everyone to visit, children included. Food and drinks were offered. The same for burials: the community showed up to listen to the homilies of priests or pastors and to pay their respects, while children ran around and dogs barked. The family might even hire a mariachi band! The Day of the Dead was a time to visit cemeteries–not as elaborate as in Mexico, but still a regular part of life, and of remembrance. We have a lot to learn.
Death is often associated with suffering and isolation. In America, most people die in hospitals and perhaps the majority suffer both physical and psychological indignities. Death isn’t usually something that happens in one’s home, surrounded by loved ones. An aging population, given the realities of death in America, is probably experiencing anxiety when thinking about death.
Eleanor, recent surveys report that today 30% of people in the US die at home. That compare to 80% when I was born in 1940. Perhaps the institutionalization and medicalization of dying have contributed to the suffering and isolation you mention.
I can’t remember ever having feared death, though I certainly fear a dying process hooked up to machines with no control. The few times I’ve had an experience where I realized I might be about to die, the fear was of pain leading up to my death. When a man was holding a knife to my belly, I remember very clearly thinking, “That looks like a really dull knife and it’s going to hurt like hell,” so I talked him into dropping the knife. I’m a member and volunteer with FEN so I can have a better chance of avoiding the parts of dying I do fear, and help others to avoid them too. I’m curious to learn whether or not there is anything to be aware of after death.
This blog post addresses a very important issue in the right to die movement. Social acceptability is a key to a good death. Our society as a whole feels that hastening one death is wrong and only a depressed or mentally deranged person would do such a thing
According to TED Talk star, Dr. B. J. Miller, ” I feel that a lot of our neuroses, our anxieties, stem from perpetuating this idea that life and death are somehow at odds, whereas you and I or anyone who has really worked close to the subject, it’s clear that this is a package deal.” Social acceptability of dying well is what he is advocating.
I do think we, in America, are not as family oriented as in other countries evidenced by how many are in care/nursing homes as opposed to being with families. It use to be unheard of, even here, to not take care of your relatives at home. That death would be less lonely and fearful.
And we have a health care industry that cares mostly about profit.
For me personally being 76, widowed, no children, but much curiosity about life still and so far healthy, I fear the finality of death and ceasing to ever exist again. Not knowing if mankind survives its own ignorance and selfishness.
Im not religious, but I somewhat fear a continuation, if I am still able to remember hurtful things. I want that to end someday for good.
I’m a big believer in we should have the right in our own life, that belongs to us alone, to decide when you are ready to go and be able to do it legally and painlessly.
Excellent article and commentary!!!
Agreed!