(Crystal Cannon Flores is a death doula and founder of The Grateful Death, specializing in Voluntary Suspend Eating and Drinking (VSED). Her mission is to disarm the fear surrounding death, and honor the process through educational workshops, mentorship, volunteering, retreats, creative expression classes, and doula care. Crystal studied at The Institute of Integrative Nutrition, trained with INELDA, and certified through Doulagivers. She offers in-person support in the Greater Seattle area and virtual support across the United States. Crystal is also very active with Final Exit Network with their end of life workshops and speakers bureau.)
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What’s the first thing you think of when someone speaks of an Elderly? What image comes to mind?
What’s the first thing you think of when someone speaks of an Elder? What image comes to mind?
Pause and think about that for just a moment.
I am privileged to spend most of my days with “seasoned” folks … Elders.
I often hear, “Crystal, you’re so smart; why are you just a caregiver?” This question always amuses me. People are genuinely confused when I tell them I chose this field of work. It’s true. I’m capable of many things, I have skills, and I know a few things. But I’ve always thought of myself as a lifelong student of life, so it only makes sense that I’d choose a career where I’m surrounded by the original wisdom keepers … Elders.
Every client I care for becomes my teacher. Regardless of how many bedsides I’ve been to, I enter each and every space with a beginner’s mindset. We live in a culture that’s intensely driven by productivity, accomplishments, and academic achievements. In doing this, we’ve forgotten about our wise ones, the storytellers, the original wisdom keepers, the Elders. The knowledge I receive from them is more valuable than any fancy diploma I could ever dream of. I have learned the art of slowing down, how to be intentional, and what it means to be an Active Listener. And this is just the beginning. I have so many stories and learnings that I’ve decided to write a book about it!
Here’s a glimpse into one client’s transition from earth-side. I’ll call her Nancy. Nancy was an avid hiker, a very intentional, pragmatic, no-frills kind of woman. She knew exactly what she wanted — a chosen death by VSED. Luckily, she had loving daughters that were willing to honor her wishes. We had a consultation and decided we were a good fit for working together.
She chose a date, and we began the preparations and planning. We had three weeks to get everything in order. During these three weeks, my job is to organize a care plan, create a schedule, get caregivers in place, order supplies, and most importantly, learn who this person is prior to illness. The dying process is a sensory experience. My job is to create a meaningful, comfortable space where my client can experience the journey just as they envision it. I identify what sensory likes and dislikes are essential. Nancy didn’t want music, no scents, no reading, no spiritual practice, no religion, no massage, no TV, no visitors, and only wanted natural light.
I was anxious. How could I possibly create a comfortable space? I have nothing to work with! Nancy began her VSED journey on a Wednesday. She never complained, never asked for a single thing and was resolute like no one I’ve ever witnessed. On Sunday, Day 4, she finally had a request — her jacket. She didn’t want it because she was cold; she had a very comfy bed with blankets piled high. She wanted her jacket because it was a comforting reminder of being outdoors. She wanted all the windows and doors opened, even though it was breezy and chilly. I put her jacket on her and made sure she could feel the collar on her neck. This made her happy and comfortable. Nancy died in seven days, on the following Wednesday. She was a woman that found peace in the simple pleasure of nature — birds chirping, the brisk breeze, the warmth of her jacket.
Nancy died just as she lived. She taught me well.
I don’t know about you, but I have no plans to identify as an Elderly.
This Elder has some wisdom to share too.
Final Exit Network (FEN) is a network of dedicated professionals and caring, trained volunteers who support mentally competent adults as they navigate their end-of-life journey. Established in 2004, FEN seeks to educate qualified individuals in practical, peaceful ways to end their lives, offer a compassionate bedside presence and defend a person’s right to choose. For more information, go to www.finalexitnetwork.org.
Payments and donations are tax deductible to the full extent allowed by law. Final Exit Network is a 501(c)3 nonprofit organization.
According to the Urban Institute: “The number of Americans ages 65 and older will more than double over the next 40 years, reaching 80 million in 2040. The number of adults ages 85 and older, the group most often needing help with basic personal care, will nearly quadruple between 2000 and 2040.” We have a rapidly growing population of Elders who can share their wisdom and who will need our love and support.
I hope I have that wonderful determination.
You sound like just the person I would like when it’s my time. I am 85 and in quite good shape but feel the downward moment and I have been a hospice volunteer for quite a few years and I live in Florida. Not easy, is it?
I always feel distressed for myself when I read of people knowing exactly what they want and don’t want when they’re opting for VSED. Me, I have no idea what I’ll want. Hope I’ll have a doula that can help me figure all that out.
I’m so impressed with Nancy. Her determination to not complain and complete her choice and luckily no family who would want to interfere. That’s all I’d want — just sunlight, fresh air and the sounds of the birds or a breeze … peace. I’ll be alone, so I would like to have a doula and unfortunately I’m not in a state that allows dignity in dying, so I may have to move near the end, take matters into my own hands or be allowed to do VSED.