(Kerry is a certified death doula and holds a M.S. in Criminology. She has been featured at the National Mensa Convention, on national podcasts, and made presentations for students in high school through university. She has written articles for dozens of national magazines. Her work was featured in “Chicken Soup for the Writer’s Soul” and she is the author of two picture books. This article, used with permission, appeared originally at https://coeolcollaborative.org/the_d_word_dead/.)
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“By words we learn thoughts, and by thoughts we learn life.” — Jean Baptiste Girard
Passed away. Passed on. Is deceased. Departed. Gave up the ghost. Didn’t make it. Lost her battle. Kicked the bucket. Breathed her last breath. Went to be with the Lord. Is in heaven. Was called home. Is in a better place.
It seems that we will do anything to avoid saying the D-Word … DEAD. I see this as part of our death-adverse culture in which large numbers of people are unable to speak of death with any level of comfort. The majority of folks don’t want to think of death … their own, or that of loved ones because it causes pain and fear. Others avoid saying “DEAD” because, on some level, they’ve bought into a “you name it, you claim it” mindset — as though saying the D-word will catch the Grim Reaper’s attention and lead to an unwanted visit.
It could be argued that describing a person who has died as DEAD is unnecessarily harsh. Dead is a period at the end of a life sentence. It is a full stop. In comparison, euphemisms are almost poetic. They soften the edges of the end-of-life event, often painting the image that the person who has died has merely stepped out of the room or is on an extended vacation.
For some, phrases such as “passed over” or “passed on” align with religious beliefs that some portion of the dead has moved on to a different place. Yet, it could be noted that the person whose essence is passing over first had to be DEAD. That piece of the story is usually omitted.
So, is there value in saying “DEAD?” Some would argue in the affirmative. One of those is my former supervisor at the Victim’s Assistance Unit for the Denver Police Department. Part of a victim assistant’s job was to knock on doors to tell unsuspecting citizens that somebody close to them had died. When I first started the work, I was terrified of delivering the bad news that would forever change lives. I wanted to gentle-down the announcement, but my boss was unyielding, insisting that I say DEAD. ”Your father/mother/child/partner/sister/brother is DEAD.” And she had good reason.
My supervisor recounted a night on which she accompanied a trainee who was performing a death notification. All seemed to be going well. The trainee told the recipient of the news that her family member had passed away. She then explained the responsibilities of the family member, and shared brochures listing grief resources and helpful phone numbers. Once the task was completed, the victim specialists headed back to their cars. They made it to the curb before they heard the recipient calling out “Oh! I forgot to ask you when she’ll be out of the hospital and able to come home?” In her shock, the recipient chose to avoid the finality with which she’d been presented and the gentleness of “passed away” facilitated that mindset. Had the victim specialist said, “Your family member is DEAD,” there would have been no ambiguity.
Words matter. As those of us in the positive-dying movement strive to shift the way our communities view death, perhaps we should start with the simple act of saying the D-Word. I think that death might be less frightening if the word itself was sprinkled here and there as appropriate so that, like most things that are familiar, it would lose its sting. As the word becomes easier to say, the concept it represents might also become less threatening. When that happens, we stand a chance of exploring ways of better dealing with the final chapter of life.
Final Exit Network (FEN) is a network of dedicated professionals and caring, trained volunteers who support mentally competent adults as they navigate their end-of-life journey. Established in 2004, FEN seeks to educate qualified individuals in practical, peaceful ways to end their lives, offer a compassionate bedside presence and defend a person’s right to choose. For more information, go to www.finalexitnetwork.org.
Payments and donations are tax deductible to the full extent allowed by law. Final Exit Network is a 501(c)3 nonprofit organization.
To help immigrants understand Americans’ attitudes toward speaking about mortality, the Life in the USA guide explains:
Americans do not speak very openly or in much detail about death. Rather they allude to it, avoiding tackling the subject directly, as they would talk about sexual matters. Americans do not die. They “pass away,” “expire,” “kick the bucket,” “go to their reward,” “breathe their last,” “cash in their chips,” “meet their maker,” “depart this life,” “give up the ghost,” or other avoidances. Insurance companies advertise plans designed to meet “your final expenses.” Once death arrives, its victims are not “dead.” Instead, they are “loved ones,” “the departed,” “the deceased,” the “late so and so.” Rather than being buried, the dead are “laid to rest” or “sent to their reward.” Those about to die are “terminally ill.”
I so agree with you. The word needs to be sprinkled about more. As an RN I lived a life around the word. When someone says something like “transitioning” to me, meaning dying I almost want to get the giggles. To me that word means something else entirely! When someone says someone passed, if I know them well and we share my humor I say “Did they die as well?” It is hard for me to accept the euphemisms despite my knowledge they are meant with kindness, but our avoidance of that word isn’t helpful over time and overall.
My experience with hospice was the first time I heard about someone dying they called it “expired”, and I asked, “Did they not return their library card?” I don’t get it. What is expired anyway? Obviously I learned that that’s a way that people try to make it easier on people. I hope people can stop doing that.
I couldn’t agree more! I use the word “Dead” with my clients also. Grief, loss and death, dying are not words to be feared, but need to be a normal part of the conversation. There is comfort in hearing them; granted not always immediately, but definitely it helps people with the reality of the situation. A very nice article. Thank you.
While I grant that we rely too much on euphemisms, the word “Dead” just has an unpleasant sound to it. Whereas “he or she died” or “is deceased”, neither of which are euphemisms, sound easier to the ear. My ear, anyway.
I use the word dead without reservation. Better than dying.😲
Great article! Euphemisms for “dead” drive me nuts, especially that someone “lost their_____.” I always think, “Well how carless of them. Did they look where they last put them?” The author omits a wonderful euphemism, likely because it is used by a small percentage of the population. Members of The Salvation Army, which surprisingly to many is primarily a fundamentalist church and not a social service organization, never die, rather they “are promoted to Glory.”