(Jill McClennen is a death doula certified by the International Association of Professions Career College and is a member of the International Association of Professional Death Doulas. She is host of the Seeing Death Clearly podcast and owner of End of Life Clarity. This blog post, used with permission, first appeared online at https://www.endoflifeclarity.com/blog/livingwiththeendinmind.)
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How would you live if you knew you only had a little time left here?
If suddenly death was real to you, if you were given a diagnosis that you only had a few months left to live, what would you immediately spend less time doing?
When I talk to people about the work I do, I find there is a lot of resistance to even thinking about death. People are afraid to admit that they are all dying, that everyone that was born will one day die. And they are afraid of what dying will be like.
You need to understand that you should not be afraid of dying. Be afraid of not living your life, of mindlessly moving from day to day in a way that does not empower you and stops you from living your authentic life.
When people are dying and look back on their life, it is easy to see how many dreams had been pushed aside and almost always because of other people’s thoughts and opinions on those dreams. Most of us have been taught to live a life that is dictated by what our parents, teachers, and religious leaders think life should be like. As we have gotten older, our friends and partners begin to influence our decisions on how to live our lives, and whether or not we should go after our dreams.
Now you may be asking, how do you learn to live an authentic life, where every decision you make is intentional and leads you toward your goals?
Acknowledging you are dying is the first step to fully living your life; it is the key to living an intentional life. If you work at acknowledging the reality of your death, instead of denying it, you will open your heart and mind to the possibility of a new, rich way of living.
Living with the end in mind will help to make your journey through life a meaningful one.
When you honestly surrender to the idea that you will die, you understand that being alive at this moment is the most important thing. Living in the present moment is a term that gets thrown around, and most people do not understand how to do it. Once we let go of our attachment to this life, letting go of the fear that it will one day end, we can see that this moment is all that we are guaranteed and the feeling of living in the present moment begins to happen naturally.
You can make choices daily that allow you to live your life intentionally, choices that will be made from a place of gratitude for each moment and not wanting to waste any time doing things we do not want to do. This is what leads to you feeling happier and more grateful, content with what life is.
Living intentionally is the foundation of living a meaningful life and dying with no regrets. It does not mean that life is perfect, that there is no more suffering. Intentional living is not about having it all figured out. It is about making the decision every day to live the life you most want to live.
When you live intentionally, you will ask yourself “why” you are doing the things you are doing. Your “why” should align with your purpose and reason for living this life. With some tools and practice, you can get the courage to live a life that is true to you, not the life that was created for you by others. Then your purpose and reason for living life will become clearer.
Start asking yourself every day, “Why am I doing this?” and remember there are no right or wrong answers, as long as you are answering it honestly for what is true to you. It may feel uncomfortable at first, the only answer may be, “because this is what I always do,” and that is okay. This is the first step in getting to the place where you are doing things because you are choosing to do them, not because it is what you have always done because that is what you were taught to do.
To begin to live an intentional life, ask yourself these questions. If you only had one month to live, how would you live your life?
When you start asking yourself “why,” you stop living your life constantly comparing yourself to your family, your friends, or the people on the Internet that look like they have it all figured out. The self-judgment that you are not doing enough, or being enough according to someone else’s ideas of what life should look like will start to fade away.
Don’t hide who you are – begin to express yourself and embrace life without reservation, and live your life authentically.
Why wait until you find out you are dying to learn to appreciate all that life has to offer?
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Final Exit Network (FEN) is a network of dedicated professionals and caring, trained volunteers who support mentally competent adults as they navigate their end-of-life journey. Established in 2004, FEN seeks to educate qualified individuals in practical, peaceful ways to end their lives, offer a compassionate bedside presence and defend a person’s right to choose. For more information, go to www.finalexitnetwork.org.
Payments and donations are tax deductible to the full extent allowed by law. Final Exit Network is a 501(c)3 nonprofit organization.
This reminds me of the quote of Roman philosopher, Horace: “carpe diem quam minimum credula postero” (translation: “pluck the day, trusting as little as possible in the next one”
I appreciate these thoughts from Jill, but my difficulty is that I never know how to respond to “If” questions like these. That is to say in this case, if I only had one month to live, I don’t know how I’d respond. Makes me feel I’ll never be prepared for dying; either my own dying or someone else’s. Makes me feel sad, lost and alone.
I sincerely appreciate Ms. McClennan’s thoughtful leadership on a very difficult topic which I am convinced the vast majority of the public almost totally ignore. My
recognition of death and the necessity of dealing with it occurred at an early age, because I grew up in my daddy’s meat market and slaughter house. Add to that a
year of combat in Vietnam as an infantry company commander, and I almost feel comfortable around it. I certainly do not fear it, accepting the fact that it is inevitable,
and at the mature age of 84 I am currently making the preparations she implied. It is interesting that some of my lesser acquaintances think I am obsessed with the topic. To each his own. Thank you, Ms. McClennan. Hang in there!