How to Tell Children About Death

(Joy Sackett Wood is a professional Psychotherapist, Counselor, Relationship and Grief Transformational Coach, Hypnotherapist, and Reiki Master Teacher. She is author of the book, From Hole To Whole: Embracing the Transformation Power of Grief and Loss. This blog post, used with permission, first appeared online at https://joysackettwood.com/how-to-tell-children-about-death/.)

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Some people believe that they should withhold the information of someone dying from their children, and of course it is their decision – but honesty is usually the best way. Sooner or later, they will realize something is not right, and then you might need to tell them anyway, which may make it more difficult. If they loved and cared for someone, they should know what has happened to them.

We know that death is an inevitable part of life, but talking about it is something most of us, if not all, are not very good at. The subject is too painful, or we simply don’t know what to say.

Death happens in so many different ways. It can be sudden, expected, prolonged, or even accidental; none of us really knows how we are going to die. Part of the experience of death is finding ways to accept what has happened, express what we are feeling, and find ways to move on. We, as adults, need to find ways to help our children to do this too.

So, what advice can we give about telling a child about death?

• Be truthful – It is better to be honest right from the start and tell them immediately so that they don’t overhear parts of conversations and misunderstand.
• Be clear – Don’t try and soften your words by using things like “passed” or “we’ve lost them,” because this can be misinterpreted by children. Don’t be afraid to use the words dead and died.
• Be prepared – Each person reacts differently to death, and this is the same with children, so be prepared for a variety of different emotional responses. None of them is wrong, and you need to allow your child to express how they are feeling whether it comes across as happy, sad, angry, or unfeeling.
• Don’t overload – Try not to overload them with lots of information at once. Gauge how much information your child can handle, and break everything down in to chunks of that size.
• Cry – One of the best things you can do for your child is to cry. Allow them to see you cry. Crying is simply the opposite of smiling, and it’s okay to show them how you are feeling and to let them know that it is okay for them to do it too.

During times of grief, we often forget about taking care of ourselves, especially if our children are also grieving. However, children will always learn from what they see, so ensuring you practice a little self-care is important so that they follow suit.

Everyone grieves in their own way. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. You will all need to understand that a “new normal” will take the place of the old one – and that time is needed to adjust to it, especially if it is a significant death that will impact upon daily life. If you think you need, or your children need, additional support, reach out as it is there to be found in places such as your child’s school, your doctor, private counseling, or bereavement support charities that exist for both adults and children.

The biggest advice of all is simply to take things one step at a time.

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Final Exit Network (FEN) is a network of dedicated professionals and caring, trained volunteers who support mentally competent adults as they navigate their end-of-life journey. Established in 2004, FEN seeks to educate qualified individuals in practical, peaceful ways to end their lives, offer a compassionate bedside presence and defend a person’s right to choose. For more information, go to www.finalexitnetwork.org.

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