(Anne Bethune is a licensed clinical social worker with a master’s degree from the University of Missouri. She is certified to practice ketamine-assisted psychotherapy in Kansas City, Missouri. This article, used with permission, appeared on her blog at https://www.kapkansascity.com/blog. Editor’s note: “Ride or Die” is a slang expression from hip-hop meaning personal loyalty regardless of consequences.)
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In the time that I have been doing end-of-life work, I’ve come to truly understand what it means to be a Ride or Die. Urban Dictionary defines that as “when you are willing to do anything for someone you love or someone you really appreciate in your life, the person you will stand by in any problem.”
A Ride or Die is patient and sensitive. They will listen deeply and carefully when you repeat yourself, can’t remember the word, or can remember the word but it’s hard for you to say it now. They will sit with you as you cough, spit, doze, choke, leak. They are there for it all. And they will leave when you want them to. You don’t have to entertain your Ride or Die.
Your Ride or Die will hold space for your fear. They will not promote their spiritual practice and will treat yours, if you have one, with reverence. They may cry with you and for you, but you will know it’s not their feelings you need to attend to.
Some Ride or Dies will take a risk for you, accommodate an end-of-life experience you feel you need to have, or some you need to avoid. They will not tell you “It’s okay for you to let go,” because they know that they may be your Ride or Die, but it’s not up to them to give you permission.
They hold hope for you while you can hope. They will be with you as you create meaning in your life, up until your last breath. They were happy to ride with you, as a friend, partner, family member. It was a good ride. And when the end of the ride is near, they will be steadfastly with you as you die. If they are a real a Ride or Die, they are up for both. Ride and Die.
As hard as this is, I’ve seen several Ride or Dies do this with remarkable grace. They put their own pain, fear, and loss aside. They showed up in a way they didn’t know they could, to be what that person needs them to be. If that was you, you know who you are.
We should all be so lucky.
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Final Exit Network (FEN) is a network of dedicated professionals and caring, trained volunteers who support mentally competent adults as they navigate their end-of-life journey. Established in 2004, FEN seeks to educate qualified individuals in practical, peaceful ways to end their lives, offer a compassionate bedside presence and defend a person’s right to choose. For more information, go to www.finalexitnetwork.org.
Payments and donations are tax deductible to the full extent allowed by law. Final Exit Network is a 501(c)3 nonprofit organization.
I aspire. Thank you.