(Greg Barnsdale wrote Do Not Ignore Your Mortality – Practical Advice From a Funeral & Financial Insider. As a licensed funeral director, Certified Executor Advisor, Certified Financial Planner, and hospice volunteer, he stresses the importance of end-of-life planning, which helps reduce the stress of aging, leaves survivors more resilient and likely to get along, increases social capital, and improves the judicial system and the economy. He is an advocate for the Death Positive Movement.)
(Editor’s note: This exit took place in a Canadian retirement home, but would not have happened in a US healthcare facility unless in a MAiD state.)
====================
Recently, another family member of mine chose to end his life in conjunction with the Medical Assistance in Dying program, which has been legal here in Canada since 2016.
Although not his real name, I will refer to him as “John” in this article.
He was 90 years of age and actively dying according to the one palliative care physician who assessed, approved, and knew him very well.
John made it clear that he only wanted my sister, Jill (not her real name), and me to know about his pending death. He was not up to saying goodbye to anyone else and swore us to secrecy until afterward.
John said we could later tell people whatever we want. He suggested that we say he died of cardiac arrest, which technically would be true. John also had no issues with us telling others the truth: that he wanted and was ready to die voluntarily.
Having extensive experience in and around various end-of-life-related roles and having published the book referenced above, I did not want to perpetuate the taboo of this reality.
The number of Canadians choosing to end their life under the MAiD program has been steadily increasing each year, and the rules are rather permissive compared to other countries. After being approved, John indicated he likely would have been approved much earlier had he applied.
We created a brief video of John explaining that his health was failing quickly, and that it was vitally important to him to exit on his own terms while he had the choice to do so. Jill and I then also commented briefly, indicating that although very difficult, we wanted to support John in his decision. The entire ordeal was (and still is) heartbreaking.
A few short hours after his death, Jill and I emailed the video with a brief explanation to our immediate relatives and closest friends. We knew they would be surprised, but we felt it was the best way to handle the challenging situation we were in. Neither of us had experienced this before.
While most of our family and friends were empathetic, some were upset with the way we handled the situation. John’s final wishes did not seem to matter. In hindsight, I wonder if merely stating the death had occurred, without any other details, would have been best. If further questions arose, such as “what happened” (as is often the case, in my experience as a funeral director), we could have then explained John’s delicate decision.
What will you do when this occurs within your circle? Chances are, it will happen regarding someone you know.
The number of people wanting control over their end-of-life experience is steadily increasing, and although it remains a taboo subject for many, the realities are striking. While a growing number apply and want the assurance of the option being available, assisted deaths globally are on the rise, and this trend will only continue.
(Please scroll down to comment, and feel free to share our blog posts with others who may benefit from them.)
Final Exit Network (FEN) is a network of dedicated professionals and caring, trained volunteers who support mentally competent adults as they navigate their end-of-life journey. Established in 2004, FEN seeks to educate qualified individuals in practical, peaceful ways to end their lives, offer a compassionate bedside presence and defend a person’s right to choose. For more information, go to www.finalexitnetwork.org.
Payments and donations are tax deductible to the full extent allowed by law. Final Exit Network is a 501(c)3 nonprofit organization.
Enter your email address to receive these posts in your inbox each week:
I am a strong supporter of the Good Death Society, and the growing support for MAID here in the U.S. and Canada. However, in the U.S. (I can’t speak for Canada on this) the laws in the U.S. require two Physicians to affirm that the patient is almost certain to die within 6 months. That requirement excludes the fast-growing number of dementia patients whose death sentence could linger on for years, while certainly being the cause of death. Apparently VSED is the only legal path for a Good Death for this fast-growing group, and with solid opposition from conservative religious groups, it will not change soon. Sad.
Thanks for adding to this message, Fred. Yes, it is sad, and hopefully the situation improves over time. So many people want the choice to exit on their terms.
Fred, Final Exit Network has a program called the Exit Guide Program. They work with people who don’t qualify for MAiD, including those with dementia, to legally end their lives. Check out their website finalexitnetwork.org
Without knowing whether an email message prefaced the video that you sent, it’s hard to weigh in on why some relatives were upset about the way in which you conveyed the news of your brother’s decision to end his life. Having read your piece, I will be careful in my instructions about who to notify, and how, should I choose and be able to implement death with dignity.
Hello, Patricia. Yes, my sister and I delicately explained the situation and included the video. We thought it was the best way to handle the situation.
In the U.S., letting people know that you plan a voluntary death can get you an involuntary psychiatric hold for depression if the wrong person finds out and reports you. Othertimes, letting people know means that – at the end of life – you end up fighting with loved ones who refuse to accept your decision (usually on moral/religious grounds, based on values that the person making the decision doesn’t share). It can be exhausting at a time when you really have better things to think about – like dying, closing down your life. So I do understand the admonishment to wait until after the death to share the news. Even then, as John’s people discovered, the folks who don’t like the idea of voluntary death or don’t like that they found out only in retrospect are going to be unhappy. Maybe the rest of us just need to accept that – people will be unhappy. At least they didn’t dump that unhappiness on the person choosing to die… I appreciate it when I read an obituary that states openly that the person chose their time of death by a deliberate decision – sometimes legal MAID, sometimes another route to death when the legal path wasn’t open to them. The impulse to normalize this is a good impulse – we just have to be willing to absorb some blowback from the naysayers.
Very well put, Gretchen.